When I was a teanager I was for a while obsessed with things like astrology and spirituality. I remember reading about the meaning of number 7. In almost every culture and religion 7 is given a mystical importance. 7 capital sins, 7 chakras, 7 world wonders, 7 years itch, 7 good years, 7 bad years…. It seems that there are these cycles in our lives, and that if you pay good attention, you will see that this cycles are more or less about 7 years.
7 years ago today the sun was shining. The sky was blue and the leaves were as colourful and wonderful as they are today. I remember driving to the hospital in the morning and letting myself getting soaked with all this beauty and being angry at it the same time. I remember being angry an the weather. It felt so wrong as beautiful as it was. I wished for rain.
7 years ago today we held our dead born baby boy into our arms. I remember feeling nothing, absolutely nothing. Numbed. So tired. Dead tired. Felix looked so fragile, beautiful, 10 fingers, 10 toes, tiny. We both saw the resemblance with our daughter when she was born. He was one of us.
The tears came back later. They never left.
This morning, my daughter was very excited and careful with the breakfast table. Candles, food, Felix’s box. His playlist on. The tears were there, unannounced, because they belong. There was so much bonding in sharing those moments. There is a crazy thing to realise how much love is there in pain, in missing, in unfairness. We sometimes get so focused on happiness, joy, fun. But that is so hallow. We need the contrasts in order to really feel the love, see the beauty.
7 years have passed. I get to appreciate more and more what Felix meant for me, for us. No matter the fact that sometimes I get angry at life or jealous of others. I get to understand his gift, even if I will never understand the reason why. Soon I will be 6 times 7 myself. And for 1/7 of my life, missing him is a part of who I am.
And one more thing. I am also so grateful for the weather that day, 7 years ago. Because every, sunny, colourful autumn day, when the leaves start to fall…. reminds me of the beauty of life!